We were made to live life in community with people. With friends. And yet for many of us, “likes” and “shares” substitute for relationships. How do we make time for friendships? And what kind of friendships do we have?
The Back Door
In Wisconsin we lived in an old farmhouse. The back door opened to a “porch” that was actually the enclosed steps leading down to the basement. This is where the trash cans were kept. And the chicken buckets. For you non-farmers, a chicken bucket is where you put all the food scraps. Theoretically, this gets taken out to the chickens by the next person going outside. Theoretically. In practice, everyone hopes someone else will do it.
The back porch, in addition to leading down to the dank basement, also opened into the laundry room. With a family of nine, this room was always piled high with stuff waiting their turn to be washed. It is also where all the barn coats and barn boots were. The back door opened into the messiest, smelliest part of the house.
I always tried to encourage visitors to come in the front door. That door opened onto a porch with plants and then the living room. The public areas of the house. Trouble was, for many years, the sidewalk led to the back door. Straight to the mess.
Friends
And let’s face it, life and friendships can be messy. We have Facebook friends, family friends, casual friends, those friends that we fellowship with, and then, hopefully, those I call “back-door” friends.
Casual
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Casual friendships are broad, but not deep. We might play sports, attend events, exchange ‘hi’ at church with these people. But we don’t really know what is going on beneath the surface of the relationship. They might have the potential to become fellowship friends, but they may just stay casual friends or drift out of our lives. Right now I have casual friends at church and work, but I find it hard to make time for other activities where I could meet people. I really want to find some community events to participate in. Does your life ever feel so busy that getting involved in one more thing might just push you over the edge? Me too.
I love her suggestion to have a “come as you are night” for women. A time to be real and honest with each other.
Our stories are gifts we must share. We must wrestle past the fine, dive deep into real life, let go of others’ expectations, and allow our authenticity to bond our community. (Just Open the Door p. 118-119)
This time of authenticity is what can lead to our fellowship friends.
Fellowship
Our fellowship friends are people that we know a bit better. It might be a shared history (like family). We get together and enjoy each others company. We know each other deeper, share concerns, pray for each other. These friends can know and maybe even share in some of the struggles of our lives. We fellowship with them, but we still want to pick up the house before they show up. Or are embarrassed if they show up and things are looking the worse for wear.
When I was a new mom, our church had a group called “Fellowstitch” where we got together with our crafts and our kids to talk and pray (and sometimes get our crafts done). Today there are MOPS groups and others where you can make connections.
It can be scary to let people in on a deeper level, but this is where a lot of growth can happen. I experienced this most recently in my small group at church. It was a random group of people and there were enough differences that we sharpened each other as we did life together. We grew together, loved each other and prayed for each other. In fact, since some of us are Bear’s fans, and some of us are Packer’s fans, we demonstrated that in Christ there is no “Jew or Greek”.
Back Door
The rarest of all friendships are the back-door friends. These are the people that get to come into the back doors of our lives. They see the mess, smell the odor. And they do not run. Instead they come alongside. I have had a few of these friends in my life and I treasure them. They have lived through some of the messiest times in my life, literally and figuratively. When a situation makes no human sense, they have lifted up prayers, groaning in their spirits along with me.
These friends are the ones who will hunt me down when I am sliding into depression. They rebuke me when I am wrong. They speak truth over me. And I over them.
These friends are the ones who have seen my most insane “this house will be clean” moments. We can still laugh about this a decade later.
This thing about back door friends is that they see the mess, smell the mess. But they don’t want to leave you to your mess. They come alongside you, pass around the bleach and the tissues. And are not afraid to get their hands dirty with you. And the relationship is mutual. Even after over twenty years of friendship and many hours separating us, we can walk back into each other’s lives and pick right up.
I realize that I have allowed the business of life, and my depression, to deprive me of back door friends. I am reaching out to my friends that no longer live close enough to come in the back door. But I also need to be willing to reach out to those around me, looking for my next back-door friends.
What friends are a part of your life? Who can you count on? Who can count on you?