How do you explain depression to someone who has never experienced it? Is it like describing colors to someone color-blind? There is no frame of reference. Sure everyone has felt down from time-to-time. But that is not depression. And depression can differ from one person to another and from one time to another. This is my story.
S.A.D.
Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D. tends to affect those living in northern areas with less daylight. When I got married I moved from Missouri to first Montana and then Wisconsin, both northern states with limited daylight in the long winters. At first it didn’t seem to bother me; in part because I spent the winters outside skiing, hiking, and sledding.
But as the family grew, it just seemed like such a hassle to get everyone ready to go outside in the winter. Plus when the kids outnumbered us it was harder to take everyone skiing. I stayed inside, got less sunlight, and get heavier (which made it harder to move). Eventually this led to my losing interest in all my activities and getting the S.A.D diagnosis in my early thirties.
The cure was fairly quick and easy. I went on a low dose of medication for a few months a year and felt much better. The doctor also recommended getting more sunlight, so I tried to make a point of taking the kids sledding, or getting outside more.
The Pit
The next time started as Postpartum-Depression. Normally after a delivery, everyone welcomed a happy baby home, I lost the pregnancy weight, and life went on. After this delivery, we welcomed home a cranky baby, I gained 20 pounds, and we just had a hard time adjusting. I found myself avoiding people at church and would take weird streets so I would not pass anyone I might have to wave at. I was a mess.
It felt like I had fallen into a pit. I could see the light at the top, but I could not get out, and no one could hear me cry.
My friends cornered me about avoiding them (or trying to). They convinced me that my doctor needed to know about what I was going through. A few weeks after starting on medication, I felt like I was waking up to spring, or walking out of a tunnel into the light. I could function. I started enjoying my family again instead of being overwhelmed by their demands. Soon I was feeling much better and no longer needed the medication.
I was aware that the pit existed, and was careful to maintain contact with my friends and regular prayer and Bible study to keep myself on top of any stressors. Any dips were soon righted and I never felt that same sense of hopelessness that I had felt in the pit.
A few years after this, we decided to move from Ken’s family farmette of 40 acres in Wisconsin, to a 120 acre ranch in Missouri. We were excited for this new phase in our lives. But then the reality set in of no family, no friends, and starting a new business (stress anyone?).
The Cave
Missouri is famous for its caves, large and small. Caves can be fascinating and exciting, but they are not something you want to get lost in.
Lost
That is what my next foray into depression felt like. Being lost in a cave. Dark. Damp. Hard. Occasional falls into ice cold water. Muddy and slimy. Smacking your head on stalactites, falling over stalagmites.
And I kept stumbling forward. Pressing on with life. My children’s needs kept me pushing on. Even though I had no idea where I was going or if there was any point to any of it. Feeling more and more lost. More bruised and bleeding and alone.
Now don’t get me wrong. I faked it really well. I held down a job. Homeschooled the kids. Had another baby. Went back to school and got my master’s degree. There were only a few days that I just couldn’t face the day and stayed in bed. But don’t let anything upset the routines. And if someone bugged me about eating dinner, I would be more likely to grab a whole pie as what I actually served everyone else.
Found
You know what I discovered when I finally had enough and cried out to God for help? God was already there.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
You know what else is in the cave if you turn on the light? Beauty. Shelter. Wonder. Once I became aware of God’s presence I was able to see all that was beautiful in my life. My kids. My grandkids. I even had a new appreciation for the family pets.
I would love to say that God healed me of my depression instantly. But that is not how it worked.
Healing
I was clinically depressed for 10 years, not counting my other bouts with depression. 10 years in a row of faking it. My kids grew up thinking this was just how I was. For me, my journey out of depression is a story of transformation. Dealing with attitudes and areas of defeat. Dealing with grief and anger. I needed time with God to deal with the underlying causes of my depression. And it started with being willing to admit to my Missouri doctor that I was really not OK. And I had not been OK for a very long time. This time the medication helped to lift the absolute despair enough that I could want to reach out to God. It gave me back the will to accept healing.
It took me a year of mourning and praying, dealing with the past before I was ready to move forward.
Moving forward
That has been three years ago now. I am still on the road to healing. And things are a lot better. I am enjoying fellowship with God again. My kids have noticed a huge change in my demeanor and outlook. And I can enjoy time with my grandkids. I no longer feel a despair that I try to fill with an entire pie (although I still enjoy a slice or two!). My goal now is to see if I can cut back on my medication, or maybe go off of it.
I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; [my God] set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3
And I love what Psalm 107: 14-15 says
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.
Many people suffer or have suffered with depression, have been in chains. I used to think that if I was only a better Christian, then I wouldn’t be bothered by this. But I have discovered that sometimes, like Elijah, we need to be taken care of before we are ready to hear God’s voice. Sometimes we need sleep, wholesome food (not just pie), and maybe medication before we can start our journey to healing.
When you see others, be kind. They may not have their act as together as they seem. When you look at yourself, be kind. You are loved. If you are suffering with depression, get help. Faking well is not the same as living well.