We have a colony of barn swallows living on our front porch. I watch the parents build the nest, line the nest, sit on eggs. And then feeding those mouths. Back and forth, back and forth, they fly. Always a mouth open, wanting more. Will it ever end? Have you been there, mama? I know I have.
Then one day I see the bird parents sitting off to the side watching while the little ones try their wings. Soon, one-by-one, they are off. As each one leaves, the others shift over to have more room. Until soon there is only that last one. Then he too leaves. So it is with our families. Doesn’t really matter if you are bringing home a new baby, having a child start kindergarten, or sending a child off to college, all the family dynamics shift. All part of the process of getting ready to fly.
Adding to the Family
I think we usually do a better job of preparing our kids for a new sibling. We talk about them becoming a big sister/brother and how they can help the new baby. We make sure that they know they are still loved. I used a chart to make sure each child had some fun activity with me each day, like a game, story, staying up late a little bit. Just to help me make sure I was spending time with each child.
But sometimes even the best plans go awry. When we brought Patricia home (our seventh), things did not go as well. A friend had brought in dinner, but all the kids were cranky and wound up. Patricia was screaming, several kids were crying, the older kids were glaring at me. I nursed the baby, my husband got the younger kids food, and I told everyone that it would get better. It may have to take a few days, but it would get better. And it did. Eventually. I got my energy back. Patricia became less crabby and was full of baby cuteness. We all found a new rhythm and life went on, but it took a few months of adjusting to the new dynamic.
If you are having one of those adjusting times, give yourself (and the rest of the family) lots of grace.
Trying to Fly
Let’s face it, although we call it raising children, “child” is not an end product. We want to end up with an adult!
Every time we step back and let them make decisions, it strengthens their wings. It starts with small choices, like what to wear or what to eat for lunch. (For dinner, our kids had two choices, eat what was made or wait for the next meal). Our daughter Emily learned the hard way that wearing fuzzy tights to the barn meant she had to spend a lot of time picking hay stubble out of them before they could be washed.
We provide the structure for what needs to be done and then let them decide the particulars.
Then on to slightly larger choices like what homework to do first, or what to buy with birthday/allowance money. And like us, they will sometimes make bad choices. Learning to make good choices often comes as a consequence of making bad choices. Failing to work on homework each night results in spending a Saturday inside catching up instead of playing. Spending all their vacation money on day one means they don’t have any left for a souvenir later.
The teen years can be scary watching them make decisions on finance, jobs, friends, and driving. It is hard to watch, but this is a crucial time to let natural consequences happen. Oversleep and miss (or almost miss) your ACT exam. That will cost you. Get a speeding ticket and lose your driving privileges, as well as the money for the fine. Be irresponsible and lose your phone while still having to pay the phone bill.
I still remember Nick’s shock at having to buy his own clothes after he got his first job. Suddenly those $20 jeans didn’t look as good as they did before. He became a careful shopper.
Letting Go
You need grace at the far end of the dynamics as well. When my first child launched, I felt like I did when the state trooper told me she’d passed her driving test. “What? She is NOT ready!”
But, she was ready. Ready to fly off and be a nanny to a family who had three kids and were expecting twins. Ready to drive in Long Island traffic. Even though I had wanted her to get a job, 
across the country was not what I had in mind. I had forgotten to prepare myself and the family for the change.
Every time we launched another child, the family dynamics shifted. Younger siblings became the older. Jobs shifted down the line. I was left looking at the empty spot and trying to adjust. Everyone related to everyone else a bit differently. When Nick came home after some time away at college, he noticed how noisy we are. When our noisiest, busiest child moved off to college the noise level in the house dropped by 60%.
This is the end-game of all your hard work. Getting the kids to fly on their own. We are working ourselves out of a job from the time we first start parenting. Trust in the hard work you have invested earlier and pray them on to adult success. They are ready to fly, and you are ready to let them.