Life

When I chose “Life” as my word of the year, I had visions of life-affirming choices in eating, robust mental health, and a great year. Instead my parents have had health issues, and some behavior came to light that fractured relationships in our close-knit family. Out of the blue, life became snarled and unraveled.

Life happened. Just not the one I was hoping for.

Chaos

Three separate events in the first two months of the year: my mom fell and cracked her pelvis; my dad was hospitalized with pneumonia; our family relationships were strained and fractured. My world was turned into chaos. I really had no idea if anything would be the same again. Whether it is a bad health report, a death, or the result of someone’s actions, you have probably felt this way as well.

As I tried to deal with these situations, my depression increased and my productivity at work plummeted. Was I in part to blame for the problems in my family? I tried to eat my way out of the guilt (did not work, never does). For many years, food has been my numbing agent of choice. Easily available. Socially acceptable. Used to deal with anger, anxiety, pain, as well as celebrate joy and family events. Can anyone else relate?

My poor food choices and stress levels resulted in my blood sugar surging out of control and most of my clothes not fitting. I bought a few outfits in bigger sizes. My lack of productivity at work started to haunt me, but it was had to make sense out of what I needed to get done. Getting fired would just really make my year.

I was still praying and reading my Bible, but a lot of my prayers were filled with “why?” and “how could this happen?”. My readings were more checking off the plan than nourishment. Whatever comfort or guidance God was trying to offer was not reaching my soul. I was trying my best to cope, and it was just not good enough.

Affirmations

A visit to my doctor for routine lab work confirmed that I needed help. My own efforts were not going to be enough. At the rate I was going, I could inflict long-term damage to my health. We upped my depression and diabetes medications to try to get at least the physical part of my life under control. And it did help.

Instead of being trapped in a cave in, I felt the braces for the mine go back up. I had room to think, plan, and receive what God was trying to show me. I was still loved. Grace had not abandoned me. I still had to choose to walk out of the darkness, but at least I felt able to choose again, not tossed by every thought and feeling.

Life, Six months gone

It has now been several months since my world snarled to a halt. My mom has healed and is walking normally again. My dad is over his pneumonia. And we have a counselor to walk through this family mess with us. I was correct to say that nothing would ever be the same again. It won’t.

But that is not to say that things will not improve, and that life cannot still be good. I am back to following Trim Healthy Mama. I am using my Fitbit to get in steps every day. My diabetes numbers are approaching normal for the first time in years. My depression is under control. And God is teaching me to praise Him in all circumstances. He can make any brokenness beautiful.