“You’re no fun.” “You are so mean.” “You don’t love me.” Parenting can be hard and I have heard about every “bad mom” accusation in the book. And you know what? I am OK with that. My children survived and thrived. And yours can too. Here are three tips for being the bad parent.
1. Deny them
Why did my kids call me mean? Well, usually it was that I was not letting them get their own way. Sometimes it was that I did not let them do what “everyone” else was doing. Or wearing. Or watching. I did not bribe them to be good in the store. Now some of this was not pre-planned, but we just didn’t have lots of money. As some of the kids have become independent, and we have more income, it is easier to give the younger children more. And it is to their detriment. So I still need to remind myself that saying ‘no’ occasionally (or a lot) builds character better than indulgence. Plus, too much stuff leads to issues with trying to maintain it, trying to store it, and trying to use it. For parents as well as kids…. Another part of denying them was making them share. We were raising seven kids in a house with 1200 sq. ft. and one bathroom. If they wanted some alone time, they went out to a barn. The counter to denying them was to offer lots of myself. We got puzzles from garage sales, got games that everyone could play, and read lots of books aloud. This was of course way easier to do when I was not working outside the home. Now it takes a lot more effort and planning to offer myself. I need to be a lot more intentional with my time.
2. Make them work
My kids had and have chores. The older ones had feeding, watering, and milking. The younger ones helped out around the house. All the kids learned to cook, and by age 11 could take care of their own laundry. I stumbled on this partly by accident when they complained about stuff not being clean. Light bulb moment! Soon everyone started doing their own laundry so theirs wouldn’t be mixed up. Relived me of work and helped them get their stuff faster. Win-win! We started the kids with helping fold laundry or putting up toys when they were toddlers.They learned from working alongside us until they knew the job, then they could work independently. Now, being human, there was a tendency to complain or slack off. This was rewarded with extra chores or missing out on an activity. As part of the parenting journey, I had to be willing to take the time to teach them, and accept their efforts. It doesn’t do any good to go and fix all the mistakes or just do it yourself. Of course it takes more time, and sometimes they will do it “backwards”. I have had to fight the tendency to take over or just do it myself. It is faster. And it will be done better (at least at first). But if you want an industrious adult, you have to start making them work when they are clumsy toddlers. When we went on our camping vacations, everyone pitched in to set up camp, prep food, start fires, etc. This made set-up go faster, and much more fun. When the older kids are home, they still enjoy helping each other with the work.
3. Don’t Be Their Friend
Why would I want my children to dislike me? Well, truth is, I don’t. I always wanted my children to love me and want to be around me. But I soon discovered that my goal was not to be loved and appreciated, but to raise my children to be adults. And that meant setting rules, setting boundaries, making them do things they didn’t want to do. Not bailing them out when they forgot stuff or just messed up. And that can be hard. Especially after a long day at work, or when the kids were younger and I was just worn out by the end of the day. I have to fight the tendency to just let stuff slide. Or respond with anger to anger. Keeping the end game in mind is difficult, especially since parenting is a marathon. It is not always easy to stand your ground and be disliked. But it is necessary, and it does get easier with time. You can be their friend as an adult if you take the time now to be the parent. And I love having my adult children as friends. Don’t get me wrong. I loved spending time with my children when they were younger. We laughed together, played games together, went places together. But I was always on the job. Now that they are adults, I can advise if they ask for it, but I am not responsible for them any more.
On a Positive Note
Practice Flexible Parenting
Maya Angelou put it this way, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Parenting is on-the-job-training. How you start with your first child will not be how you start with your third. Or seventh. You change as you raise your children, and your parenting will shift as well. If nothing else, the family dynamics will shift which effects everything else! Your older children will probably complain that the younger children, “get away with everything”. And in some respects they are probably right. As you get older, you will realize that some things are not that big a deal. You will get better at picking your battles. But there will still be battles.
Cover Everything with Prayer
When you are not sure the correct course, pray. When you are totally unsure how to even pray for a situation, pray. As I see how God has answered my prayers for my children, my only regret is that I didn’t pray more. More deeply, more comprehensively. Because God is faithful. Even when I lost focus. Even when I blew it. He was faithful to my children even when I spent ten years depressed. Looking back, I have no regrets for being the “bad mom”. My children have even thanked me for it.
Thank you for a great reminder to use reason not just be driven by emotions. We all want to be loved and adored, but as adults, we need to be just that: an adult. The goal is to raise another adult, not a spoiled brat, to be harsh. Simple yet effective. Congratulations on the post, Susan!
I’m glad you liked it! Thanks for reading.